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Humiliated by a M5


<HR style="COLOR: #cfcfcf" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Preface: this is an almost true story - certain adjectives have been changed to protect the guilty.

So there I was, minding my own business at a stop light today, when a freshly washed and detailed, Avis Blue E39 M5 pulls up in the lane next to me. I explain to my passenger (a person oblivious to anything to ever come out of the M Motorsports factory) that it isn't too often that you see a BMW as fine as that here in Finland. The passenger nods in agreement, almost afraid to look over, sensing my tension.

The driver of the M5 rolls down his window to toss out his cigarette butt, and I am thinking, "What a jerk. He smokes in his M5."

I search nervously for the passenger side window button with my left hand, roll it down half way and say, "I like your E39." The driver looks over at me and then eyes my extremely dirty, Slate Green 520i Touring. He replies, "I didn't know BMW made green hearses." He rolls up his window, looks back over at me and then revs the massive V8 a few times. I am thinking that this can only end bad.

My mind is working feverishly, trying to remember how they taught me to disengage DSC at the BMW Driver Training before the light turns green. Suddenly, it dawns on me that my 2002 Comfort Package equipped, 520i Touring does not have DSC - I think that they gave me the rain sensor instead.

I fiddle with the ASC button, accidentally turning on the passenger side seat heating, when I recall how my SA told me, "Never touch that button in snowy or icy conditions." But this is serious, and there is wet asphalt showing through the compact snow and ice. I throw caution to the wind and depress the button, knowing full well that aside from the OBC just giving me the +3°C beep, computers are no longer there to help.

I turn on the front and rear fog lamps. I put the windshield wipers to hyper speed to keep the mist off the glass. I am feeling DTM on a rainy day.

I drop the leather covered Steptronic gear selector down into manual, and take 1st gear, thinking that with a little wheels spin, perhaps the M5 will think that I have something else under the hood than what the poorly aligned 520i badge on the rear cargo door represents. After all, I did recently install a M5 rear anti-sway bar; this won't be that easy.

The light turns yellow, and then green. The M5 driver hammers the throttle and I see smoke from the rear tires. I am a split second behind, but hit 5900 RPM in first, my 15 inch winter [URL="http://www.tirerack.com/a.jsp?a=AB2&url=index.jsp"]tires[/URL] doing their all to give me grip. The ever so slightly present g-force gently pushes me back into the non-sport, cloth seat, making me happy that I never knew about lumbar supported seats when I placed my order. I can hear the sound of small stones and salt slush impacting the inside of the wheel wells and mud flaps as the fuel economy gauge reads +30 liters/100km. At 1.05 EUR per liter for 98E, this street racing thing isn't for poor people - good that I have that company gas card.

My passenger reaches for the "Oh ****" handle, looking a little flush in the face. I think to myself that the seat heaters must work phenomenally well. No wonder my wife has it on all of the time.

The M5 has already pulled out a 5m lead after about 6m of driving, but I keep my foot in it. 2nd and then 3rd gear, not gaining. Going a blistering 67km/h in 3rd, my Touring hydroplanes sideways through a small pond that had formed on the street due to a backed up sewer. More throttle, grip returns, the M5 sway bar saves my ***.

Another 100m passes, around a corner and I realize that the M5 is no where to be seen. He has had me for lunch, just another victim, slain by his 400hp V8.

I finally catch up to him a few lights later, he already has his window open, a new cigarette almost half smoked. "Thanks for that," I say. He laughs and says, "Your car really sucks."
Yeah, I know.
 

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LOL (hysterically!!):rofl:
 

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classic. absolutely classic!
 

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You know what they say about the difference in a Porcupine and a BMW... :thumbsup:

Trashing our fellow BMW bretheren is not cool though.
 

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Holy $#@* I think I just busted my ribs!!!! That was Freakin hilarious!!!:applause:
 

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its funny but not cool guys like that put a bad image on us
 

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I've never met a M5 driver I did not like! They gotta be cool to be driving an M5 in the first place. No one should ever be cocky about the car, we are very lucky to be able to own these cars.
 

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I swear we always here stories like that on here... m5 drivers that act like their driving Ferrari Enzos or something. Funny story but the guy sounds like an ***...
 

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I generally think M5 guys are less "prickish" than M3 guys though! :haha2:
 

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Sounds like the guy who wrote that hybrid article.
 

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Funny!!!
 

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Sticky...

That's almost a sticky funny one. Especially if you have experience of driving with studded snow tires you can really hear the wheel well noise....

:goldcup:
 

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Discussion Starter #19
My first impression of the driver after reading it was that he was probably borrowing his dad's car or something. I think he was just "puffing out his chest" to look cool. What real M5 owner is going to race a 520it in the snow, no less? We all know what our cars are capable of, and would never:nono: risk an accident in such inclement weather to "kill" any car such as this. I just thought it was funny which is why I posted it...
 
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