I' in the mood for some humor today. I guess most of you have already receive this in you E-mail?
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For those of you who are not fortunate enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.
Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ___________________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone,
please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blond [ ] Platinum Blond
Teenagers:
[ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ]Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[v] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company
for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You are not sure what rain is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above*
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) What is a directional signal?
Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) The wiper blades
b) The belts
c) The horn
The bright setting on your headlights is for:
a) Dark, poorly lit roads
b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) Revenge!
Your rear view mirror is for:
a) Watching for approaching cars
b) Watching for approaching police cars
c) Checking your hair
d) Checking for carjackers
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California Driving Rules
For those of you who live in California or may be driving through,
it's
important to review the California Driving Rules.
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Californian never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane, waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. California is a no-fault insurance state, and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.
11. Just because you are in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in California.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of high-speed
slalom driving, thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test driver's reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. In California, flipping someone the bird is considered an
appropriate driver's salute.
California Driving License Test :)
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