On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and we'll be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
A flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"You will find beneath your seat a floatation device and in case this fight should suddenly become a cruise, you'll be glad you paid attention during this important safety announcement..."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
"Looks like we have a few empty seats... would everyone please sit by a window so our competition thinks we have a full flight"
From a united pilot on a transatlantic flight on the (back then) new Boeing 777: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. May i direct your attention to the American Airlines plane to the right of our aircraft. As you can see our brand new Boeing 777 flies much faster than their 767, and we will thus arrive about an hour before them"
"If you enjoyed your trip today, please remember United Airlines flight xxx. If you did not enjoy your flight, then remember American Airlines flight xxx.
Preflight announcement on a Southwest flight with a flight attendant named (I'm not kidding) Bubba: "We have a new smoking policy here at Southwest Airlines. If we catch you lighting up on board the aircraft, Bubba's gonna stick you out on the wing, where our policy is: if you can hold it, you can smoke it."
"Smokers will be asked to step outside..."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady asked, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A non revenue traveler was given the last standby seat on the flight. His name was John Gay. At the last minute the agents told him to get on and take his seat. When he proceeded to his seat, there was someone in it. Rather than arguing and making a fuss with the paying passenger, Mr. Gay took another seat in the cabin that was empty. The cockpit did their checks and decided the plane needed a weight restriction. The agents got on the plane to get off the non revs that had received the last 10 seats. When they got to Mr. Gay's original seat the agent asked the man who was now sitting there if he was Gay. The man gave the agent a funny look and said, " yes, I'm gay". The agent told him he needed to come with her. The agents didn't discover the problem until 4 people in the vicinity stated they were gay too, and that if passengers were now being removed because of their sexual preferences that they would all sue.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"
Did you know that WestJet's (a good little airline here in western canada) flight attendant always tell a joke to the passengers after landing...
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