BMW M5 Forum and M6 Forums banner

OT: A great story for anyone who ever turned a wrench

5K views 23 replies 16 participants last post by  MAVERICK 
#1 ·
The following story was recently brought to my attention. I don't know the author (or even who it is), but it is priceless.


Hi guys,

Last weekend I spent two days wrestling with my GT-350 replica, which you may
recall is now running after a one-year period of dormancy while the motor was
in pieces. While dealing with some subsequent problems, I learned some
lessons that can all be directly applied to working on our cars.

* Upon startup of a new engine, if you hear a distinctive tic-tic-tic sound
from your header-to-cylinder head junction, you will be told by all your
friends that it is an exhaust leak caused by using the cheap manifold gaskets
which come as part of the entire engine-overhaul gasket set, and you should
have opted for high-quality $35 Fel-Pro header gaskets instead. The only
solution is to remove and replace the lame gasket with a quality unit.

* The header bolts which didn't allow enough clearance to get a wrench or
socket on them when you were installing them, haven't shrunk any, so removing
the eight bolts will take an hour.

* Your hopes of simply backing the header away from the head, slipping the
two-week-old, cheap gasket out and installing the new, $35 gasket will be
dashed when you realize the existing gasket has adhesed itself firmly to the
head. It will need to be scraped off.

* Immediately after commencing the scraping activities, you will be struck
with both a revelation and a recollection. The revelation is that the
header-to-fenderwell interference won't allow you enough clearance to scrape
the entire gasket, so the header will have to completely come off the car. 
The recollection will be that you were smart enough to trash the cheap gasket
that came with the engine rebuilder kit, and the $35 Mr. Gasket like-new
gasket you forgot you had installed, and have now just destroyed, is of
similar quality to the new $35 Fel-Pro gasket you bought to replace it.

* Spray-on gasket remover is highly effective stuff, but it is also highly
democratic in its application. In this instance, it will make no
differentiation whatsoever between the like-new $35 gasket you're trying to
remove, and the new Ford blue engine paint you're not trying to remove--both
will fall away from the motor in equal amounts.

* In order to remove the header so you can scrape the gasket, you will have
to disconnect it from the collector. The collector bolts which were too long
when you installed them have, like the header bolts, failed to shrink any in
the ensuing two weeks, and the mechanical locking nuts (stove nuts) have, if
anything, increased their tenacious grip upon the too-long bolts. 
Furthermore, the inadequate clearance to swing a wrench hasn't grown any
either, meaning that you will be able to turn the nut about 1/32nd of a
revolution before the wrench strikes something solid, and needs to be removed
and flipped around for another swing. The upshot is that it will take about
15-20 minutes to remove each bolt.

* After the header is finally removed, while lying underneath the car and
scraping the gasket, when a piece of gasket-remover-laden gasket falls onto
your forehead, you will instantly determine that the democratic nature of the
gasket remover extends to human flesh as well, and the forehead is
particularly sensitive to extremely caustic chemicals.

* When extremely caustic chemicals are suddenly applied to a large section
of your forehead, the result is an instant and involuntary muscle contraction
in the torso, causing you to suddenly sit up, normally about 24 inches or so.

* The average Mustang chassis, when raised on jackstands, is approximately
22 inches off the garage floor.

* The sudden and violent application of 2900 pounds of steel to a burning
forehead does not, surprisingly, lessen the effect of the extremely caustic
chemical reaction taking place, but instead augments the pain with a deep
pounding inside the skull as your brain takes a good shellacking from the
inside.

*  When it comes time to open the exhaust gasket package, the expeditious way
is to use a screwdriver to make a small tear in the plastic, then run your
finger along the underside of the gasket, neatly opening up the package from
one end to the other.

* Exhaust gaskets are made of various layers of fibers and steel, and as
you're opening the package, an exposed and sharp steel wire will neatly open
up your finger from one end to the other.

* 1966 Mustang Red and Human Blood Red are remarkably alike when the blood
is wet and liberally sprayed across the top of the fender. However, when it
dries it darkens considerably and thus can't be used as touch-up paint as you
had perhaps hoped.

* Gasket remover is remarkably resilient stuff, and although you took great
pains to wipe down the cylinder head with lacquer thinner before installing
your new gasket, the forgotten gasket remover still coating the flange of the
header will immediately go to work the minute the header is placed against
the gasket. Fortunately the gasket makers are thoughtful enough to include a
pair of gaskets in each package for just such contingencies.

* As you are holding the gasket-remover-soaked header in your hand and
removing your now-ruined new gasket, you will feel that the skin on your
fingers isn't nearly as sensitive to the effects of extremely caustic
chemicals as the skin on your forehead. However, when you have sliced your
finger open and the gasket remover gets in the open wound, the effect is much
the same.

* Once the second new gasket is in place, the header bolts and
header-to-collector bolts will be just as difficult to install as they were
to remove, as they were to install the first time, as they were to remove the
first time.

But the final, and undoubtedly the most important lesson learned from this
two-day exercise is this:

* A clever engine-building trick is to loosely install the spark plugs on a
new motor; if the head gasket leaks into the cylinders, this will allow the
water to leak and spray past the threads on startup instead of potentially
blowing up the motor with hydrostatic lock. However, if the engine builder
then forgets to tighten the plugs once the engine has successfully started,
then exhaust gasses may leak past the threads, making a distinctive
tic-tic-tic sound from the neighborhood of your header-to-cylinder head
junction. You will be told by all your friends that it is an exhaust leak
caused by using the cheap manifold gaskets which come as part of the entire
engine-overhaul gasket set, and you should have opted for high-quality $35
Fel-Pro header gaskets instead, and you will spend the next two days removing
and replacing a perfectly good exhaust gasket when all you had to do was
simply tighten the spark plugs!

Sigh.....
 
See less See more
#2 ·
ROFL LMAO!!! :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: hiha hiha hiha

Header Gasket - $35.00

Doctor's visit to deal with the caustic chemical burns on your forehead - $200.00

Revelation that all of this was totally unnecessary in the first place - PRICELESS
 
#6 ·
hiha so true. The funny thing is that you continue to do the same thing on many other areas of the car. Nothing like slag burning into your flesh and a 1.5 hour install that turns into an all night project. The joys of the automobile never fail to amaze me:biggrin: .
 
#12 ·
I could write my own story along those lines. In fact, I will, briefly:

* When installing a big-block Mopar V8 in a car that originally held a small-block, it is generally advisable to take measurements of the motor mount positions, not just eyeball them and say "that looks about the same."

* It is also advisable to measure the car's engine compartment to see if there is room for the exhaust headers. If it is necessary to remove a header to get the engine in, it is unlikely that there will suddenly be room for it afterwards.

* After placing the engine in the car after such judgements, if the engine is not quite parallel to the sides of the engine bay, it is entirely likely that the transmission will also be not quite parallel to the car's axis.

* Installing a transmission is a job best done with a proper lift and transmission jack. This is especially true if misalignment of the engine puts the transmission in an odd place. Putting the car on jack stands and rolling under it with a floor jack and some bricks to wedge the trans up while bolting the bell housing creates difficult working angles. Also, heavy transmissions balanced precariously on bricks have a tendency to experience sudden calls from the force of gravity.

* If a precariously balanced transmission suddenly rolls off its bricks, try to get your fingers out of the way.

* Transmission pans have sharp edges.

* If you are working on a car in a relative's driveway where no one is home, and you do not have a key to the house, it is good practice to have another reliable vehicle handy in case of grievous injury.

* In general, try to stay in good physical fitness, in case running a mile or two to an in-law's house in an emergency should ever be called for.

* If an in-law volunteers to help you clean and bandage an injury when you appear without warning at his front door, and he advises you afterward to seek immediate medical attention, it is good manners to presume he can recognize bone when he sees it and follow his advice, rather than waiting until the following morning when the appendage has begun to turn blue and die.

* It IS possible to shock an ER doctor.

* If possible, try not to have large bandages on your right hand when you are attempting to complete the installation of your transmission linkages. Though it will amaze the employees of the shop that bolted up the fallen transmission for you, it is not easy and not hygienic.

* If the car works anyway after a series of stupid decisions, it does not erase them and make you a genius. At best you are an idiot savant. :)
 
#17 ·
My wife remembers vividly the first time she heard her father swear: he was working on the car.
 
#18 ·
greg said:
when you finally get enough $$ to buy ramps so you can actually get your whole body under the car to remove the oil drain plug, remember to move said body before completing the removal step.....
Ditto for differential oil. Ever get it in your hair? That stuff smells NASTY and the smell does NOT go away, even with repeated shampooing. I wound up using powdered laundry detergent on my head.
 
#19 ·
Well - I forgot about this. Last weekend we had to go up to Tahoe for a wedding. There was a chance we would need chains. I figured the A6 was the car to take - sure as hell wasn't going to go out and buy winter tires and wheels for the M5 or the Porsche. The A6 4.2 has big wheels and tires. Guess what - can't fit chains. On an Audi! The only thing you can do is go to smaller wheels and tires, or buy "spikes spiders" which run about $400. How do like THAT after seeing all those ads showing you how great the Audi is in the snow? Of course, if you can get by with AWD and no chains, it is. But if the CHP says you have to chain up, you have to chain up. This isn't a story about that though, except by way of explaining that this is how I came to be driving a friend's Mercedes ML430 (for which I was able to buy chains..... )

So - drove the ML up there - perfectly nice, not my cup of tea. But this isn't a story about the ML. This is a story about stupid wrench tricks.

We went up Friday night. I decided because I couldn't sleep Saturday morning, I would go out and shoot some sunrise winter photos. I opened up the ML and fired it up - it was 6 degrees F outside. (For you Europeans/ that's -15 C.) To its credit, the locks didn't freeze and the engine lit right off. Put her into reverse to back out of the parking place, and found the steering to be incredibly heavy. Hmmm - somethin' must have froze up in the power steering. Oh well, it will break free as soon as the engine warms up a bit. I finally got out of the space and headed forward - trust me, you do not want to maneuver an ML430, designed to HAVE power steering, without it.

But I wasn't going to let this stop me, so off I went to shoot some pics. When I came back, there was still no boost. The owner's manual provides no procedure for checking the PS Fluid (!), nor does it provide a specification - only says "Mercedes Power Steering fluid". But I can see the pump, and I can't get the damn cap off because it bumps into the intake manifold cover, which after some consternation I learn merely pops up enough to let you get the cap off. Sure enough, the fluid is low. There isn't a Mercedes dealer anywhere around, and we can't miss this wedding. Guess I'm going to be a wrench head again. (Secretly, I was slightly excited at the prospect.)

We decide to go to breakfast, which is close to the nearest store that might carry power steering fluid. I muscle the car there, and procure some fluid. All the stores carry stuff "for most domestic and foreign cars", and different stuff for Honda's. I decided wrong fluid was better than no fluid, knowing I had a decent chance of it being fine, and that if it wasn't, it would probably get me home without damaging the system. Then Mercedes could do with it what they wished.

Thoughtful enough to buy a funnel at the store too, I fill the reservoir to the recommended point on the dipstick, start the car and feel some boost before we leave the parking lot. But within a few blocks it goes away. I open the hood again - big puddle of power steering fluid down below, and all over the serpentine belt. Guess we have a leak! And what must have started as a slow one, is no longer slow by any definition.

I drive back to our place where I add the fluid I have left and ask my wife to turn the wheel so I can spot the leak. It wasn't hard to find - one of the hoses had popped off! The fluid in the ML is routed through a section of the radiator for cooling, and the lower of the two hoses had come off at the radiator. I could just barely get my hand in there. And because I'm squeezing by a big coolant hose, I'm burning my arm the whole time. I go inside for tools, manage to loose the hose clamp on the now flopping hose, but I just don't have enough wiggle room to get the hose back onto the radiator fitting. The other hose is still hot too- but I'm on a mission. I can see some light from under the car, so I sprawl out on my back on the frozen asphalt with a flashlight to determine if I can get better access.

Ah - this will work. Of course, it is a good idea to inspect the inside of the hose - I shine the flashlight up there and pull the hose down so I can peer into its opening. This of course was a sufficient action such that, coupled with the force of gravity and Murphy's Law, the remaining power steering fluid promptly drains onto my face. Oh well, at least it was warm.

I DID manage to muscle the hose on from down there before permanently freezing to the pavement, but there was no way I could tighten the clamp - had to do it from above. And of course, since it is now both loose and nicely lubricated, and I can only get one hand in there, it is a test of patience and extreme finesse to actually turn the screw without it simply pushing away to an inaccessable angle. I perservered, finally. Now I have a complete circuit, but of course, no power steering fluid - so once again I muscle the big hunk of lead out of the space and back to the store, buy some more fluid, fill her up, start her up, run the steering through a few lock-to-lock passes, shut it down, add some more fluid, start it up, run the steering through a few lock-to-lock passes, add some more fluid, ..... you get the idea.

After 4 such cycles the system bled itself of air and was happy for the remainder of our trip. And we made the wedding on time - my wife looking beautiful and me looking OK too, save for the dirt under my fingernails and a faint odor of eau'd'power steering fluid. :)



BTW - a few of the pics I shot are at
http://community.webshots.com/album/30595931XHqhaFqfZU
 
#21 ·
Greg,

You are the only one who can match Ansel Adams and Mark Twain (or Dave Barry) in one post. Bravo.:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Wandering OT to Tahoe photography. If you go south on Highway 89, about 1-2 miles past Emerald Bay, you'll hit a ridge with Emerald Bay on your left, and Fallen Leaf Lake on the right. Absolutely breath-taking vista.

Trouble is that it's a vey narrow, short stretch of road, and normal traffic will not allow you to slow down, let alone stop....Unless you get there very, very early on a weekday morning. I did just that last November. I was able to park, and wondered around taking pictures. The rarity there is that those are vantage points that few people will ever film from, because they usually can't.

Check it out. Like the M5, you won't regret it.

CP
 
#22 ·
Chunpng - I know that spot well. I have spent a lot of time at Tahoe - worked there every summer as a boat mechanic from the time I was 15 until about 23.

Andy - those shots were all taken from near our place at Tahoe Keys - South Shore.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top