Here is an email to several of my co-workers who own either Porsche or BMW from a sales guy at my company who is working/living in Germany. He had some problems with his car and was looking for advice. He is a former Special Forces guy with a excellent sense of humor. In other words, he can kill you with humor or in the special ways only our military can teach! Here's the email:
I am writing this to all of you because you are automobile aficionados and I am curious to verify what happens when a water pump fails. What follows is a true story...
>
Last night I picked up my 1993 BMW 850i from a BMW service II. The service was conducted at the main BMW office in Munich. This inspection is only required every four years or so. They say it's supposed to make the car like new. I was excited at this prospect because the car already snarled like an angry cougar and instantly accelerated to its governed speed of 155 mph on the autobahn. It cost me $2,050 for the inspection and related parts, including new brakes (handy for stopping at 155 mph).
Although I felt as I had just given birth to a flaming porcupine, things were destined to get much worse before the night was over.
>
Upon leaving the dealership, I learned an interesting thing about "new engines". Apparently they are supposed to explode, catch fire and die violent deaths after less than three miles. There was an excruciating "CLANK" sound from the engine. It was as if the mighty blacksmith of the Gods Hephaestus, or Vulcan for those who prefer Greek slammed his hammer into the side of my engine block. An ear piercing shriek ensued from the front passenger seat of the car. The engine ALSO made a loud
whining noise. All warning lights came on simultaneously, including one which I had never seen "Shieza!!! Lebensgefarght!!!" The car instantly filled with smoke. This impaired my ability to safely navigate the crowded and narrow streets of Munich at my current rate of speed (65 mph).
>
>
Luckily, I was only 400 meters from a parkplatz. As it turns out, this rest area was primarily frequented by lonely men and long haul truckers. None of the aforementioned personnel were on station. Therefore, all the ladies seated with their dome lights on focused their attention on me. To my astonishment, these prostitutes ignored the flames and clouds of smoke billowing from my engine block and swarmed around me. (Let's face it. An
850 is a sweet ride and they had me figured as a major player). They probably thought all the flames and smoke were some new kind of subliminal marketing scheme from BMW to attract attention anyways. I focused on the woman who looked most sympathetic. (--Spandex Elvira costume with gigantic fun bags which ALMOIST made me forget about my car--after all, it
was Halloween and I appreciated her innovative costume). I stammered: "Mein auto ist kaput!!! Bitte, vas ist nummer der ADAC pannerhill (tow truck), unt vas ist addresse erste strasse?!".
>
Her monotone reply was not all that helpful:
> "Piccolo kostet 50 DM im der auto. Sex kostest 100 DM an der ruefen." (an der ruefen?!?!)
>
As I did the mental arithmetic and contemplated the benefits of letting the engine cool down before calling a tow truck, the Polizei arrived. To my dismay, all the flashing lights and excitement scared away the throngs of women who had stopped "to rest". I guess they prefer naval uniforms to Police uniforms. It must be the colors or something. At any rate, the polizei ensured that a tow truck was enroute and departed, leaving me to sit in total darkness in the pouring rain of an abandoned rest stop.
After only 7,200 seconds (which I counted) the tow truck showed up. The guy bore an uncanny physical and mental resemblance to a high school classmate named Lenny Sipowitcz. Lenny graduated from my high school at the tender age of 20, after failing metal shop twice. He always boasted that despite that fact, he got an A on the third time around (I swear to God).
>
Lenny had already spoken to the service shop at BMW. Through our crappy communicative skills he conveyed that BMW was immediately in backpedal mode and told him that. "Oh yeah, It must be the water pump. That's the only thing we don't check on a BMW service II so we couldn't possibly have known. Those 5 liter V-12 engines really are expensive to maintain".
>
>
So, I solicit your opinion. It did not seem like my car overheated as a result of a broken water pump. It was more like I was spotted in Kandohar by US satellite photography in a stretch limo with a neon roof sign which read "proud to be the official driver of Osama Bin Laden".
>
This is an official 4 day holiday in Germay (All Saints Day) so the
dealership will re-open on Monday morning. I would appreciate any feedback on water pumps. I anticipate EXTREME pushback from the service manager who took care of my car. In fact, I may be incarcerated for involuntary manslaughter before COB on Monday. In that event, please direct all email requests to Stu. He's smarter, more industrious and does all the work anyways.
Or was that a figure of speach, considering its hot looks
Humor of that sophistication is a sign of EXTREME intelligence.
