...how to start this?
On Tuesday, I drove to Hamburg for a meeting - it seemed a good idea at the time as I'd get a chance to drive the M5 on the Autobahn and in fairness, that part was fun (the limiter kicked in at an indicated 168mph on the HUD and the car was still pulling light a freight train, rapidly gaining speed and there was plenty more room on 6th gear, engine was still strong and I hadn't even hit 7th
).
However, arriving at the hotel, things went wrong! The hotel I've stayed in before was fully booked and so my colleague booked us into another hotel that they recommended... let's just say if anyone asks you to stay in the Maritim Hamburg, you punch them squarely in the jaw and walk away because they are no friend and obviously want to send you to an early demise. WHAT a flea-pit. I considered trying to find somewhere else but they had already charged me 2 x 160 Euros for the rooms and I thought, it's just a bed and dinner can't be that bad... wrong but as that isn't the meat of my story, I won't digress.
Wednesday, do my presentation, things go very well and after 2.5-hours, we say good bye - it's now just before 4:00 local time, so I'm looking forward to getting in the car and driving home!
Go to the car, keyless entry lets me open the boot, put my briefcase in the boot, my colleague loads his case into the boot, I walk around to put my jacket on the back seat, reach for the door and it doesn't open..."oh that's right, my keys are in the front of my case, which I just put into the boot..." (you can see where this is going... )... pivot to turn to face the back of the car, take one step and watch my colleague close the boot..."noooooooooo..."
Okay, it'll be fine - the car will know the keys are in the boot and not lock, like it will do if you leave the keys inside the cabin... won't it?
No, boot deadlocked...
No problem, I'll call BMW assist, tell them we're idiots and they'll send some to help!
I speak with a lady, we'll call her Totally Useless (TU) - TU says she'll have someone out to me in under 1-hour. It's -2, starting to snow, so we take shelter in a local Mega-Store - the German staff let us wander around the store for 30-minutes before asking the 2-idiots in suits whether they need assistance - the buying-in-the-shop-retail kind, not the We've-locked-our-keys-in-the-car type. We thank them and in terrible German explain that we are English - like Mr. Bean, and are shooting a new episode called Inept BMW Driver.
After 1-hour, TU has not called me back and no efficient German has arrived to solve my problem. I call TU and she promises to call back in 2-minutes. TU obviously does not understand the space-time continuum because 2-minutes in her world is 30 in mine. I call TU again and she informs me that BMW Assist are very busy and thus they will be at least another 45-minutes. I decide that we shall find a cafe, have some dinner and wait (like there's any other option?!?).
We find a nice cafe - Astrid our waitress is very sweet and very helpful - she doesn't even laugh when we tell her what we've done (that ensured an even better tip - I love smart people).
I am starting to feel less frozen and slightly happier when Useless phones to offer the good news. 'I've made you wait for over 2-hours and now I can tell you there is nothing we can do, other than break your window, or remove your rear license plate and drill through the boot to get in AND none of this can be done this evening, so you'll have to stay in Hamburg'
Totally, this isn't an option I say, I realize I've locked my keys in the car but I'm asking for a solution and you're telling me 24-hours. When pushed things unravel even more, I ask for clarification on the window-break option because I'm happy to do this myself but I want to know that if I take a brick, smash the window of a 6-month old M5, I will be able to open the door by pulling the handle inside, and that the internal electronic boot release will actually work (because there is no access through the rear seats).... TU says she'll ask her supervisor. 20-minutes later I get the good news...
You're Screwed
The car is deadlocked, there is no way to get into the boot without drilling it - BMW will not be able to do that until tomorrow and even then, it will require £500 worth of repair work and it's not covered by BMW assist. They aren't even sure they can do this, so they'd rather 'repatriate' the car, which again will take 10-days, and fly us home.
Can you get me spare keys as I'm in Germany, I ask? - no, they will take 10-days minimum.
The Super, as we'll call him (because in fairness, he was actually a good chap and made TU look even worse) then had another idea - could I get someone to fly out to Hamburg with my spare key as they would pay for it!
And this is where the adventure starts, I get on the phone, ask one of my best employees, and a great friend, if he's willing to drop everything, go to my house, find my spare key (which I, of course, have no idea where it is because I put it 'somewhere safe' 6-months ago! ), jump on a plane that leaves in less than 2-hours.
The mad dash begins and he misses the first plane by 10-minutes after finding my key at my house and being driven the airport by a Mini-Cab driver who thinks 30-mph is 'Stepping on it'
So, he asks the airline when the next flight to Hamburg is - 'oh sir, there is only one more tonight and it leaves in 30-minutes BUT you have to check in within 10-minutes and it's in Terminal 1 and you're in T2... cue second mad dash on foot....'
He makes it... the 8:00pm flight to Hamburg.
I, meanwhile, am crapping myself - we have now been the in the cafe for over 2-hours and are starting to look like stalkers... the place is dead and we're on our 10th coffee. We do not know if he's made the plane - there were frantic texts and calls whilst they (my wife and my friend) were trying to find the spare key but after that he was too busy doing the Heathrow running man to call. When we finally get a text to say he was on the plane and would land in Hamburg in just over an hour, I was ecstatic!
So, now all we can do is wait - the cafe closes at 11:00 and we offer to leave but Astrid says it's no problem, she can stay open - his taxi from the airport arrives at 11:30.
I then proceed to drive home, with one extra passenger and two sets of keys; the Autobahn was dead quiet and the M5 is king of it's native environment - we arrive at Calais in record time BUT miss the Eurotunnel train by 25-minutes. Cue more waiting, just under 2-hours between trips at 5:00am (local time).
I finally, after navigating the M25 (what a load of rubbish our motorways are) arrive home at 8:30am (GMT) - I have been up for over 26-hours straight and finally allow myself to crash...
BMW Assist called me on Thursday to check I was home and fine, they are paying for both flights and have said that the keys-in-boot is happening enough that BMW are now looking into it. I have to say the service from them (bar TU) was excellent and the M5 proved itself to be all the car I hoped it would be on the way home...
Night of the Living Dead - aka Keyless Entry Hell!
. Sounds like a pretty hectic trip. Bmw should definitely perfect the keyless trunk.
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